A couple of poems on my life

October

The sun sighs
Like a fairy's breath
Through the slats of the bathroom blind
Then slips across
The polished pseudo wooden floor
And lies there
Bathing the cat in its warmth.
It wraps itself around my mind
Causing me to smile
As I hold on for dear life
To every tiny speck of last summer
Before the cold of the winter
Chases all those memories away.
It's a long time until Spring.


Blessings

And now
In the midst of the January snow
Summer so far away
Cold in layers of cotton and wool.
My feet hate this time of year
My fingers ache with cold
Nose ever dripping -
Keep myself busy
So that Spring comes more quickly.
Try not to notice the long dark nights
Ignore the ice
I cannot embrace the dark mornings
But measure the minutes of dawn's grey light
As the winter slowly slips away
And long for the sun to waken me once more.
Yes
I'm counting down the days
As Winter passes away.

Then I see the robin on the snow
Hear childrens' squeals of delight
Watch the sunlight
Brighten the whitest landscape.
I snuggle down beside a roaring fire
Warm my fingers and toes
Wipe my dripping nose
Throw the tissue into the fire
Watch as it flares into shapes
And dreamscapes
An wonder at Life's Circle.

Caught in the Web - Chapter 26

This is one of my favourite chapters:

And it's available on Kindle at www.amazon.com www.amazon.co.uk and in paperback from www.completelynovel.com as well as all good bookstores.

Chapter Twenty-six

The shop was dimly lit, the discrete lighting draped with red scarves giving a glow to the whole room which complemented the slightly musty smell underlying the incense burning behind the counter. Music played from speakers somewhere hidden in the dark corners of the store.

Karen's hands trailed through the rails of dresses as she half-heartedly picked her way through the merchandise. Her mind was on other things, she wasn't even sure why she'd come out shopping - had just left the house enveloped in a daze of jumbled thoughts and had wandered the streets and alleys, finally finding herself in this little boutique.

She pulled out a dress and held it up to the dim light. Like the scarves covering the lamp-shades, the dress was also red, her favourite colour. She decided to try it on and turned to ask the disinterested looking shop assistant who pointed her in the direction of the tiny curtained area at the rear of the cluster of clothes rails.

Karen looked at herself in the mirror. Her bruised face looked back at her accusingly. Trying not to make eye contact, she glanced at her image. The red dress was a transformation of her usual dowdy self. She remembered how she'd felt wearing Linda's clothes at the party and smiled to herself vaguely.

'Would I ever have the nerve to wear this?' was the question she asked herself.

The dress clung to her body like a glove, showing the outline of her figure. It was short, stopping midway above her knees. Karen turned around, looking at herself from every angle.

'No, I could never wear this,' she decided as she turned. She peeled the dress off again and put her own skirt and blouse on. As she left the booth, she noticed the same dress again on a mannequin in a far corner of the shop. It certainly was a special thing. Hesitating only for one moment longer, she slung the dress over her arm and went back to looking through the clothes on the rails.

There was nothing she liked as much. She was still trying to make up her mind when a group of young women came in, giggling and bustling through the clothes rails. They were picking out items, holding them up and chatting together in loud voices, confident and sparkling as they found the latest fashions.

Karen stood in the corner, trying to melt into the wallpaper. 'Why do I always feel like this around people?' she wondered to herself, trying to hide her face as she moved towards the door. She was in the street before she realised that she still held the dress over her arm and was about to go back in when the door opened and the shop assistant was standing there in front of her, eyes like steel.

'You haven't paid for that!' the woman accused Karen.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave with it.' Karen thrust the dress towards the shop assistant.

'Aren't you buying it then?' the woman barked.

'Um, oh no,' Karen stuttered. 'Yes. Yes, I think I will. I just came out for some fresh air.' She marched back into the shop, something inside her giving her the courage to return and face her fears.

The other customers hadn't even noticed, all still busy finding clothes to suit themselves. The red dress was twelve pounds, far more than she’d have spent normally, but she found the money in her purse and paid the shop assistant without further thought.

Karen was half way down the High Street before she realised that she'd spent most of the housekeeping money. She looked in her purse again. Only five pound notes left and she needed to get food for the next few days, as well as pay for her bus fares to work. She stood outside the butcher's shop, looking in at the display, then went inside and smiled at the butcher as she ordered half a pound of minced beef and some sausages.

'Lovely black eye you got there, Miss,' the butcher laughed. 'Walked into a door, eh?'

Karen smiled uncertainly back at him. She felt tears welling in her eyes as the butcher weighed the mince and wrapped it in white paper, then took a string of sausages, twisting them into a bundle, before wrapping these also.

'That'll be sixty five pence, my love,' he said. 'Sure you don't want a nice piece of rump steak to put on that eye?'

'No thank you,' Karen mumbled as she handed him a pound note. She took her change and the meat and left the shop.

An hour later, laden down with carrots and potatoes from the greengrocer, Karen was walking back along the street to her home. She was relieved to reach the house and let herself in with a sigh of relief. So many people had given her looks as she passed. Some were sympathetic, knowing looks - others were openly amused and someone had even shouted across the road at her, 'Where'd you get that shiner?'

Karen kept her head down and hurried home.

She dumped the shopping in the kitchen and sat down at the table in the sitting room, thinking about the day. She stared at the sky through the window, trying to make some sense out of her life.

It seemed like only a few minutes later when she looked up at the clock. It was nearly five o'clock and she'd been sitting there for four hours. She knew she hadn't been asleep. 'What's the matter with me?' she thought as she reluctantly shook herself and got up, going into the kitchen to put the shopping away. She took the meat from the carrier bag and noticed something screwed up in the bottom of the bag. It was red. Karen pulled it out to reveal a short dress of the kind that she would never wear, and it was stained with blood from the wrapped meat. Fear flickered in her mind as she screwed up the dress and pushed it into the kitchen bin. She shook away the fear and began to peel the skin from an onion, chopped it into small pieces and threw it into a pan with the mince.

Karen watched the smoke rising from the pan, and wiped the onion tears on her sleeve.

Coming back after a long rest - Chapter 25

I am amazed that it's been nearly two months since I wrote in my blog.  You must all be wondering what has happened to me.  First of all there was the big push to get the best Christmas ever up and running after the success of Calendar Girls, selling Caught in the Web at a Christmas Fair on the 15th December and, of course, the Christmas Tree expedition in Southwick.  Then Christmas Eve arrived, bringing with it a nasty dose of flu and norovirus which swept through the household with a vengeance!  So, after all the hard work, Christmas was cancelled.  It knocked my for six and only now am I feeling fit again.

This week is the opening of Lettice and Lovage, a play by Peter Schaffer - my debut directing project at St. Margaret's Arts Centre in Titchfield.  This has been a fun journey - at times rather stressful, especially this last few days, but it seems we have a great show.  We just have to pray that it doesn't snow and stop people from coming to see it.  The theatre at TFT is much warmer this winter as we now have new interior walls which section off the theatre from the warehouse although it is advisable to come prepared with coats and maybe a blanket in weather we are expecting over the next few weeks.
The play is very funny and well worth a look and you can warm up with hot chocolate or alcohol in the interval.

Caught in the Web is still selling well - I have made over 650 sales so far.  This Saturday - 19th January - I will be signing copies of the novel at The One Tree bookshop in Lavant Street, Petersfield, so if you live anywhere near, please come along and meet me - and tell all your friends.  I'll be there from 10.30 to 12.30 and then back to TFT for the evening performance!

Oh, and here is chapter 25 of Caught in the Web.....

Chapter Twenty-five

Karen's head still ached as the light shone into her eyes the next morning. She felt sick with the memory of the arguments of the day before. It had been taken to a new level now. She examined the place on her wrist where he'd held her. It was still sore at the point where her skin was broken.

She sat on the edge of the bed, feeling dizzy, and looked at herself in the dressing-table mirror. Her face was bruised, her left eye even more swollen from Kathy's punch, a blue tinge colouring the area around her cheekbone. The back of her head was still tender and when she took a deep breath, her ribs ached. None of this, however, compared with the pain inside when she thought about what was happening between Peter and herself.

'How can he be like this?' Karen asked herself. 'How did it all start to go wrong?'

She remembered how happy they'd been in the early days of their marriage, and that she'd been glad to do anything that he'd suggested. It had seemed as though he was doing everything to please her then. But she’d gradually felt constricted by his need to organise everything for her and over the years her throat had felt tighter and tighter as she suppressed her thoughts and feelings, until she had eventually gone to the doctor when the lump appeared on her neck. A few weeks later she'd been diagnosed with a thyroid problem. Having the lump removed had eventually released the constriction, allowing her to communicate her real needs at last. If only Peter could accept this new person that she was evolving into.

The front door knocker reverberated through the vacuum of silence, bringing Karen to her feet with a jolt of panic. She glanced out of the bedroom window. It was Margaret. Karen clutched her dressing gown to her and hobbled down the stairs, pulling the robe on as she went. She opened the door and smiled at Margaret.

'This is nice.' She held the door open. 'Come in.'

Margaret reached towards Karen and hugged her. 'Karen,' she soothed. 'Whatever's happened to you?' She held Karen at arm's length and looked at her.

'I'm fine, really,' Karen said pulling away. 'I just had a bit of an incident at work yesterday.' She laughed. 'It looks bad, but it's OK. No bones broken.'

'Oh, my dear girl.' Margaret took her hand. 'Come and sit down and tell me all about it.' She led Karen into the sitting room and sat her down on the sofa. 'Now, can I get you anything?'

'A cup of tea would be nice,' said Karen. 'But I can get it.'

Margaret was already halfway to the kitchen. Karen sighed to herself and smiled. 'Nothing changes,' she thought.

'Did Peter send you round?' Karen asked when Margaret came back a short while later.

'No, he doesn't know I'm here.' Margaret looked sheepish. She lit a cigarette before continuing, 'but he did speak to me yesterday about you going to the doctor. I decided to come and see for myself how you were. I didn't expect to see you like this though. I didn't think things were this bad.'

'This happened after I went to the doctor.' Karen passed her the ashtray. 'Peter thought I should see him. He seems to think I'm ill, but I'm not.' She paused. 'At least, I wasn't when I went. I've been to work since then and this happened. I'm just a bit bruised now. In fact, I think my ego is bruised the most!'

'Why to you think that?' Margaret asked.

'I should have known that this patient would act out one day. I'd been warned and yet I just wasn't ready for it when it happened,' Karen explained. 'I should have seen the warning signs.'

Margaret sat in silence, smoking her cigarette.

'Are you making that tea?' Karen asked.

'Peter thinks you're depressed,' Margaret began. 'He said that you were hurting yourself.'

'You really think I did this to myself?'

'No,' Margaret said quickly. 'Of course I don't. It's just that he said you were doing things.' She paused. 'I mean he's worried about the way you've been.'

'Like what?' Karen's voice cracked. 'How have I been?'

'He said you were crying a lot, and he couldn't get to the bottom of it.'

'He's lying.' Karen felt cold. She looked at Margaret in despair, knowing that Peter would have come across as convincing, especially to his own mother.

The moment of awkwardness grew into an uncomfortable ball of anger within Karen. How many more people had Peter been talking to about her, telling lies? Her frustration grew into resentment towards Margaret.

'I think you'd better go,' Karen spoke quietly. 'I can't take any more of this.'

'Please, Karen,' Margaret pleaded. 'Don't be like that. I'm here for you. You know that don't you?'

Karen stood up. 'I'm going to get dressed.' She turned to Margaret. 'You're welcome to stay if you like, but I'm not going to talk any more about this.’

Karen left the room before Margaret could say any more, and went upstairs to get dressed. She was in the bathroom when she heard the front door close. Margaret had gone. Karen felt a deep sadness inside as she wondered where this was going to lead.